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Local Guides
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RANTS
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by Unknown Author
January 14 - 20, 2010 |
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I'd like to rant about how small the rant line page is now. What is
up with that? Seriously.
[Ed. – People just tell me what to do. One time, we had a meeting
re: lengthening the rant line to fill the entire paper. Then this
other time, we had a meeting re: pulled pork sandwiches. Guess
which motion passed...]
I like the television program, Little Mosque on the Prairie because
it equally ridicules Christians and Muslims. It's not fair to portray
bias.
[Ed. – This is the reason why ‘racism’ should be pulled off the
table. Once someone spills the milk, people lose their collective
minds.]
Fellatio is only dirty if the parties involved don't shower first. If
you are against it, find a southern state to move to where it is
illegal.
[Ed. – I’m going to go on a limb and say that there is no state that
banishes the concept of fellatio. Bovine fellatio, sure. Those
southerners are a randy bunch.]
What's this big Echo rant line thing in the front cover with an old
man with curlers in his hair. What's up with that?
[Ed. – It’s our new thing. In other news, I have no idea what you’re
talking about.]
When I was younger, I used to skinny dip. Now I only chunky
dunk.
Hey Deanna, where are you? You know what? I phone you, and I
phone you. And I want you to hook up – I'm sure you've got the
money not a problem. I don't mind the transveite shit, you're
probably gorgeous and you want to have fun. Get back to me,
Jesus H, get back to me.
[Ed. – The return of quality rants. This is the soul of it all.]
Recently there has been a death of the inventor of the Hokey
Pokey. There was a problem with getting him in the casket – they
couldn't get his left foot in.
[Ed. – GD, way to ruin it. Cripes.]
For whatever the reason parliament is prorogue, it is convenient
that it was done just after the Christmas Holiday, giving them a
four month vacation. They should be forced to continue their jobs
through the summer to make up for the months of lost work not
that politicians do anything than bicker. I'm not going to pay my
taxes this year. I'm going to prorogue them. I'm also going to
prorogue my homework. For those of you who otherwise don't
care – you shouldn't. Because it's all a joke. And it's on you. Oh
democracy. Put it in once next year and for the next four years
you've done your part. Damn corporate slaves.
[Ed. – Yes, it’s those damn corporate slaves. You know the ones!
They read the paper. They pay taxes. Blasphemers!]
Hey Editor, be wary of the naked garden gnomes. They are
hanging around the naked ninjas and vampire bunnies.
[Ed. – Is that you, bunny? If it is, come say hi. Except I’m not there
anymore. Maybe we should meet where we’d always meant to
meet. Last booth on the left.]
Happy New Year, I guess. Computer crashes, I have no music,
microwave breaks and I find out I have bed bugs. Happy New Year
my ass. I hope everyone started off 2010 better than I did.
[Ed. – Bed bugs? Wow. Wash your sheets?]
I'm a guy that doesn't believe in getting married, I am happy
living as common law but the majority of people believe you have
to get married to commit. Some women, not all women but some
think that if you truly love someone you have to get married. I
don't think thats the case so I want to know who else feels the
way I do. Its a spectator sport the whole wedding deal. The most
expensive wedding I have been to was 60 grand! That's a whole
lot of money spent on one day.
[Ed. – You should have seen the parade I just threw myself. 100
Grand. Capital G, baybee...]
People talk a good talk but don't walk a good walk. People tell
you one thing and do another. Why can't people say what they
mean? Canadians used to speak their minds but now we are
closed–mouthed sheep!
[Ed. – Laziness. As long as these ‘problems’ don’t affect the
majority of people on the daily, things will continue to slide until
we’re all stinky Americans.]
Six–year investigation on a crack cocaine bust, so the government
wasted all those years on a bit of crack? Our tax dollars are going
to waste on the amount of drugs they found they could have got
in a few hours downtown.
[Ed. – There are rules. If there were no rules, this would be a
shootout.]
Hire more employees so that the current employees that get sick
can stay home and stop spreading germs as they serve costumers
all doped up on medicine.
[Ed. – That sounds like an intriguing social experiment, actually.
Can you really do your job while on prescription meds?]
This rant is with Echo Magazine, I loved Ryan Farkas' article just I
thought it was disrespectful what you said in your MJ portion of
the article. I am actually black and white, I am not offended by
anything just your comments about people wanting to make racial
jokes. That was pretty ignorant. You either truly didn't think it
was a big deal because you aren't racist at all with a racist bone
in your body or it could be the complete opposite. I think it was a
mistake but maybe you just refrain from making statements like
that. Either way awesome article, great paper, love Michael
Jackson and I love you, Mr. Farkas!
[Ed. – Your love has been sent to his personal chateau by the lake.
Plus, that racist bit? Not even close. Racism is a vile, hateful
attitude. What he said was that people engage in it. That is not
racist. That is an outlook.]
Put all the diamonds and gold on it and it’s still a skanky little
bitch!
[Ed. – Skanktacular or skankalicious?]
Dear Echo, Dear Editor, I think we should get creative for
Valentines Day. We should have a section just for love. So we can
tell each other secretly how much we love each other even if we
don't really know the other person or even if we do.
[Ed. – Only if the love is squarely set for me and me alone.]
Shoutouts to the person complaining about Happy Holidays, fuck
you. To the tranny lover, that's weird! To the relationship
complainers stop filling up the rant line with emoness and to the
comment about city workers guess what I am skinny!
I just need to say that I love the Swiss Chalet delivery guys. I
always try to tip them well and so should you. God bless em,
everyone.
I'm laying in bed with my girl watching The Biggest Loser as we
eat chips and chocolate. How come there are so many
commercials during it? Everyone goes to grab treats and
sandwiches during that time. They are just making more losers!
Love you, Rooster!
[Ed. – Nom nom nom.]
I will always love you, Paul. Even if I get a record deal I will still
love you!
[Ed. – Record deal? Girl, you’re livin’ in the 90’s. Enjoy your
future.]
The girl at Men's World is sexy!
Who in their right mind would want a mullet? Absolute white
trash.
[Ed. – It’s not about want. It’s about need. That head needs to be
covered by short and those shoulders crave long.]
Swine flu is over if you want it to be.
Please stop stealing my recycling bin! I am trying to save the
world here people so stop trying to be a dick!
What do you mean what is up with peanut butter cookies? They
are delicious you fucking idiot!
[Ed. – They’re super delicious.]
New Years Resolutions suck! I needed to get off the Whiskey and I
lasted 8 days. Back on the wagon!
[Ed. – Don’t hate on Jack. Jack’s just a man with a quality
product.]
Calling about the guy that said you never see a skinny city
worker, let me guess you are fat, lazy and don't work right? I
weigh 150 pounds and I work for the city, bud.
[Ed. – Dripping wet, right? You’ve gained no muscle from lazing
around drinking coffee? Surprise!]
It's the female Nymphomaniac here, I'm gonna get youuuu!
[Ed. – The whole city? Yikes.]
This is for all the cyclist that insist riding on the sidewalks, it is
illegal and for pedestrians only. To tell me to watch where I am
going without a bell or horn makes you dead wrong.
Why don't you look in the back section I think you will find what
you are looking for, Tranny lover.
My rant is about people that keep the directions up after January
1st. Take them down because I dont want to see Santa in July.
[Ed. – You know what’s the worst? When you have a party and
offer directions even though you know half the people showing
up won’t look at them and will inevitably call you as you’re doing
last–minute prep. Look it up on the internet. Be proactive.]
I read the Echo every week and my first time ranting but this is to
the person who doesn't like bald people. You are an idiot and go
get a brain.
This rant is dedicated to the Christian that believes completely in
the Bible. What a crock.
[Ed. – The belief or the Bible? See, you’ve left it up for
interpretation and now I can twist your words into a raving lunatic
fringe rant from the Borderlands of Kitchener. Or something..]
For the woman that walks Marley the dog around, where did you
get those cute boots for your dog? And you are pretty cute
yourself!
To the person complaining about Pizza Pizza, were you stoned
when you gave that rant?
[Ed. – For some reason, the rants turned to cheese. Pure, rubbery,
bright orange fromage. Sorry. It’s all your fault.]
Any nutritionist will tell you that pigs are a good source of ham.
It is a good thing that the vacuum sucks.
What did the fly say after he hit the windshield? “Bet you won't
have the guts to do that again.” Ha Ha Ha.
Hey did you know that in just two days, tomorrow will be
yesterday!
I don't get the concept of check. If they say, “Check mate!” isn't
that Checkers?
Why does the glue not stick to the inside of the bottle?
Did you hear Willy Nelson was found dead … on the road again.
Ah frig, I friggin lost my cell phone on a bus, and the bus driver
called me back hours later and gave it back.
Ain't nothing but a chicken wing!
The mailman saw my underwears.
A grotesque human custom or practice is the mutilation of
babies. Of course, I'm speaking of circumcision of both males or
females.
The whole ‘no texting while driving’ rule is silly.
This is for the Mayor, no vote for you. Shame on you!
The leaves are brown and the sky is gray...
Why am I watching informercials?
Sam the Pizza Man is a hottie!
I am very madly in love.
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