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THE RANT LINE

By

All the goose poop in Waterloo Park is really shitty.

I just wanted to thank all the people who went out to city hall on
June 22 to show their support for the parks and the expansion of
parks; that was a real bonus. Another thing I'd like to mention to
is why don’t they turn that little boarded–up storage space that
was burned out across from City Hall into a little park; that would
be ideal. I don’t think it should be allowed to have boarded–up
spaces be boarded-up for... how many years has that been
boarded up? They should make it a little park and make it a little
resting place if they want to improve the downtown core. That’s it
for now. Thank you.

Hey, last weekend I woke up screwing a dog. The actual four–
legged kind. But I licked my face and trotted along. Where’s the
two–legged kind who would take the same kind of hint?
[Ed. – Well, since you’re into the whole making–love–to–a–dog
thing, methinks you might have to shell out a few bucks.]

This is for the asshole that edits the rant line. I phoned last week
and my rant says Rick James ready; it’s Drank James ready,
dumbass! Spread the word!
[Ed. – Yeah. We’re the stupid ones.]

You are the real Michelle from New York, and you’re full of shit!

Try punching me in the head when I’m riding my bike on the
sidewalk and you’ll get a ball–peen hammer in the forehead!

Hi Editor, my rant is about Value Village, too. Yes, it is very
expensive. You said you bought a shirt there for $3. Okay, you
can probably by the same shirt from Giant Tiger and it’s brand
new, not used or stained. Which is better? A brand new shirt
that’s not stained, ripped or torn? Or one that’s ripped, torn or
stained? Value Village is not a value. I find the process is totally
outrageous. You can buy a pair of jeans at Giant Tiger for $10 and
the same pair of jeans at Value Village will cost you almost $20.
That doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. Thank you.
[Ed. – You know how I know the recession’s over? People are
complaining that Value Village is too expensive again. Here’s a
quick fact: Giant Tiger and Value Village are both companies
trying to make a buck. Yes, VV asks for donations. That’s because
they’ve decided on a donation–based business model.]

Hi Editor, I guess you haven’t been to the Dollarama for a long
time. For the past six to eight months its been a dollar or two
store; it should be remained A Buck or Two. And yes, they have
sold out to the recession. Also, there’s another store called
Everything For A Dollar. It’s at Bridgeport Plaza and Weber
(Bridgeport in Waterloo). They charge five cents even for the
smallest, tiniest bag, so I avoid them too. Take care. Bye for now.
[Ed. – True, I haven’t been since the Super Bowl.]

Edward Cullen can smash my headboard, bruise my body and bite
my pillows any day. Breaking Dawn is amazing! From Andros.

Cat walks to bang the rider boys because they are smokin’!
Moohooohahahaha! Love you girl! Andros – Andriosious!

Red Meat sucks. It’s the most retarded comic ever.

What’s wrong with these Christian high schools? You have to take
some religion course? Some kind of polymous course to actually
help you get into university? What’s up with that? That’s stupid.
Second of all, all the girls are sluttier than the public school girls!
Come on, really? Christians, my ass!

I love Michael Jackson. Rest in peace.

Homicide is murder. Homocide is murder of a gay. Homeycide is
murder of your friend. And hamicide is murder of a pig.

Yeah, I’m the girl who couldn’t break up with her boyfriend. Yeah,
I did it. Now he’s stalking me on Facebook.
[Ed. – I’m going to walk you through this step by step. Step 1:
Delete him from Facebook. Step 2: Call me and leave a personal
thank you, and send along a delightful basket of fruit.]

I would just like to call and thank the person who ranted about
the Cambridge Beat. They don’t print my rants because I use
words like “douche bag” and “rusty claw hammer”. But thanks a
lot, and someone needs to tell that guy he’s not worth shit.

Is there no honour among consultants?

Ever hear Stephen Harper tell a joke? No, because he’s
humourless. A humourless Conservative! Do not ever trust
someone who doesn’t believe in comedy. He’s a joke, though.

There was this guy named Chris. And he would write about men
who had their penises possessed by aliens and bunny rabbits
terrorizing entire villages and now Chris is gone. And maybe his
penis is possessed.

I’m getting sick and tired of people today saying that the music
today isn’t as good as it used to be. I can guarantee that Bob
Dylan or Neil Young would never win “American Idol.” The judges
would laugh them off the stage.
[Ed. – The music’s fine. It’s the way that it’s distributed that’s
cause for alarm. Plus, people really need to get over classic rock.
Parents, if you’re listening, put on some MGMT and be only a year
late to the party. It’s better than putting on Chicago and clearing
the room.]

Don’t believe the hype. Everyone does not love Marineland.

Hey, first off this is to the idiot talking about kids bringing guns
and knives in school saying that back in the day it would just be
five of them on one. Idiot! That’s the reason why kids bring
knives and guns to school, because a bunch of assholes who pick
on them and beat out the shit out of them – people like you!
People who are no-balls bullies! Secondly, Value Village does
suck. They sell jeans for $20–25, even $30! It’s a little too
expensive for being a charity. And as for Dollarama, there’s
hardly anything in there any more. Everything is $1.20, $1.50 or
even $2. So yeah, Dollarama, Value Village, these places suck.
That’s it.
[Ed. – Let’s go back to the days of short shorts. No more denim
complaints, unless you’re a cowboy in short shorts.That’s entirely
different.]

Another calling back here, this is to the ranter saying that calling
a bike rider a dipshit ‘cause he rides his bike on the sidewalk –
saying that he should keep doing it because he’ll punch them in
the head. Well, go ahead, sucker punch them in the head. See
what happens. Shows you have no balls anyway.

Thank you to all the nurses in this city, the women at the
Salvation Army and the women at social services for all their help.
They are godsends and I don’t know where I would be without
their help.

That voice on your answering machine is very nice.

To all the 30–something couples with babies, if you are only
going out just because it’s kids eat free day, then stay at home.
Do us all a favor. Make supper yourself or go to McDonald’s.

I may be drunk, but the whole LCBO strike is a scam.

I am D.T.F. and wish more girls were D.T.F. too. [Ed. – Dating the
french? :Google search: Ohhhhh. That. Yeah. You might have to
try harder than that.] 

Is the GRT going to pay for my unemployment insurance when
they never show up on time? Whether you realize it or not we
depend on you to get us to work.

Not only do I have yellow shorts but green and purple ones too.

I have a rant about that law that came about a few years ago
where it’s legal for women to walk around topless. I just wanted
to say that the only women who have taken advantage of it are
old women with boobs down to their ankles.

My rant is directed to people complaining about how loud
motorcycles are, and I’m not a biker but to the people
complaining about it, you need to get some cheese with your
whine. You can say the same thing about cars driving around with
no mufflers.
[Ed. – You could. And that it’s illegal. Stop ripping on the bikers. I
don’t hear anyone complaining about the bass coming from a
souped Integra. It’s the same thing.]

To my hot sexy downtown neighbour, the fireworks after Sloan
were amazing. Why don’t you take me on a date?

Just beat it, beat it, if you want to be fair just beat it, beat it, beat
it, beat it. Rest in peace, King Of Pop.

The group PETA, does it stand for People Eating Tasty Animals?

I went downtown and I had a bad night and had to crash at my
buddy’s place so I went on a walk. I’m a radio DJ so I thought I
would spin records. It’s been a lonely night but I am listening to
some records and drinking some beer so its actually all good.

I once saw Jesus have lunch with Jim Morrison.

Dave from Hamilton here. I think the Echo is fantastic. This is my
first rant and I wanted to say that I think the Echo should feature
a story on Shawn Michaels, the wrestler.

To the bitches that stole my MAC make up from my bathroom at
my party, have fun using my make up, and guess what? I have a
nasty eye infection!
My new girlfriend is better looking than my last girlfriend and I
think this is what they call trading up. Yay me!

This is Granny. This goes out to the little prick who tried to egg
me, but guess what, you sack of shit, you missed! I hope whoever
is your favorite person in the world gets egged and whoever eggs
them has better aim because you missed. Ha ha!

Bus drivers get off schedule because passengers have incorrect
fare, try to outrun the bus or have no ID.

To the person who thinks pajama pants are attractive, you are
very wrong. The people who go out in them need to take
showers.

What a terrible week. First Ed, then Farrah, and now Michael.
Horrible.

I’m sure you won’t print this, but who is the proofreader for this
magazine?

To the guy seeking a partner I’m gay, single, 30–year–old non–
smoker, honest and trustworthy and I love blonde hair and blue
eyes. Maybe I will come and find you.

See you later, Michael Jackson.
[Ed. – I doubt this meeting will take place.]

I have never heard of anything lamer than the stupid
cheeseburgers and cat rants. It is probably from people from the
gutter who have nothing better to do. It is so lame! Come up with
a half decent subject to talk about people.

I’m too drunk to reach my lighter, this is a catastrophe!

I was just in the store and they had everything but green ketchup.
What happened to it? I love food coloring!

James, it’s Mike, I think its your turn for the beer run.

I run this city.

Echo, I am beginning to wonder about you.

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