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Bon Jovi is touring with Kid Rock as the opening act. Could it possibly get any worse?
[Ed. – Imagine trying to meet someone while you’re surrounded in a sea of cowboy hats shiny douche shirts.]
If I see one more picture of Stephen Hawking, I’ll throw up.
[Ed. – That doesn’t make sense.]
There’s a guy at my place of work who never, ever changes his fucking clothes. Now some people might say it’s eccentric. What it is, is disgusting.
[Ed. – Economical.]
Doctor Livingstone, I presume?
No work means no beer!
Yeah, I’m calling about the water park. Great park, good fun for the kids. I have three kids, I took them there, it was $75 to get in. Then, I wanted to sit on the park bench and keep an eye on my kids. I’m not going in the water, I got long pants on, running shoes, they want to charge me 30 bucks to sit on a bench. Fuck you. That’s the most stupid fuckin’ rule I’ve ever heard in my life. You can turn away $75 at the gate for my kids to have a bit of fun swimming. I'm not pay 30 bucks to sit on a park bench. So they’re gouging people. That’s just a flat–out gouge. To charge parents $30 to sit on a park bench is a crime. Wise up people, get with it. Let people come in and watch their kids at even $5 would be reasonable. I’m not even going in the water, I’m not doing anything but sitting on a park bench and you want me to pay $30. Get with the times.
[Ed. – Would it have been a benefit to you to actually check to see what you’re getting into? I mean, it’s the internet. You might want to do your own research before you assume, cowboy.]
The Calgary Stampede and rodeos are cruel and stupid. What’s taking the Canadian government so long to outlaw that shit?
[Ed. – It makes a ton of money.]
Gene Simmons: “You know, people still come up to me and ask me, ‘Gene, what do you look for in women?’ And I reply, ‘It’s simple. I look for me in women.’”
[Ed. – Any Gene Simmons quote needs to be prefaced by the fact they haven’t done anything worth talking about for 20 years. We’re two generations away from wiping them off the map, permanently. We can do it!]
I don’t understand people who don’t like cats. They’re the greatest! I love my cat, I really do.
[Ed. – Greatest? No. Ice cream on a hot day is the greatest. Being a bachelor at the Playboy Mansion: the greatest. Cats? Entertaining, until you want them to come to you. Then they stare as if you’re the new guy and go back to chasing shiny stuff.]
What a miserable, fucked up place Toronto is now (laughing). Who needs it?
[Ed. – It’s better than Ayr.]
What is the expression again about affluent females? Single and not looking.
It is called class warfare. Choose your words with care, or else all you’ll get is a cold stare.
[Ed. – Meh. It rhymes, but that’s about it. Sorry. Can’t back you.]
If North America was colonized last, how come Africa and South America are still developing? I just don’t get it.
[Ed. – Oy. Read a book.]
Stop Bill C–36 guy, you were cool until you said ‘Write to your local MP!’ and blew off your foot into a thousand bloody bits.
What options do we really have? Smash a few Starbucks windows? We saw how far these acts got them. Instead of a message of anti–reckless corporate retail stores, these activists get labeled as hooligans. I provided a channel to try to prevent this aggressive bill from taking away some of our basic rights and freedoms.
[Ed. – I provide better coffee than Starbucks. I don’t think we’re on the same page...]
This is to the ranter bitching about mothers on welfare. You said you worked until you broke up with the father. How about now?
[Ed. – She has a kid. It’s called parenting. Some people’s kids!]
I’m sick of living in the closet: I’m gay and I am proud!
[Ed. – It’s not very hard to come out of the closet nowadays. Typically, just get caught doing something with your boyfriend. That does the trick.]
I want to leave this message for my beautiful wife Karen. I am sorry for everything I have done. I love you with all my heart and soul.
[Ed. – Read: I slept with some random and now realize she was a bad idea. Also, I’m sorry for getting caught. You knew I wasn’t bright.]
I can say that scooters have earned a right to a place on the buses because they are disabled, but years ago you would carry a child in your arms. I have nothing against mothers or children for that matter, but you and your stroller take up two–plus seats.
Let’s face it, you have to be in pretty good shape to get on a GRT bus.
[Ed. – I’ve seen some very out-of-shape folks get on the bus. VERY.]
It’s bad enough dogs are not on leashes, but god knows where they have their tongues. I wouldn’t want a dog licking my face knowing it licks its ass, penis and god knows what else.
[Ed. – You know that cousin of yours that you’re completely embarrassed to bring anywhere? Look no further.]
There are no green boxes in my apartment. I have how many types of peels from vegetables and fruit, so what am I supposed to do? Why can’t I have a green box instead of being forced to throw it in the garbage?
[Ed. – It all goes to the same place. Eventually, you’ll just have to bury it.]
I see you laying there all by yourself. I wonder if you are lonely clicking through your TV. Are you as lonely as me? The two of us shouldn’t be lonely when we could be together. I love you.
[Ed. – Quack.]
This landlord doesn’t know what he is doing because he is a goof that can’t take care of his own building. We don’t like him. Get lost.
You guys are doing a kickass job down there.
[Ed. – Was there any ever doubt?]
I have a rant for consumerism in Ontario. Every time we go out we see a sign for something on sale, then when you bring it up to the till, it’s something else. A lot of time they are mislabeled and they make you the bad guy, so check your receipts.
[Ed. – Tranlation: pay attention before you rush through your debit transaction.]
Thanks to whoever left the rant page on the bus; I had a good read. Cheers!
This rant is to the narrow–minded idiot that carved “Go Vegan” into cars. You just cost me $1,000 in a paint job. And just to let you know, my wife and I have been vegetarians for seven years, asshole.
The Rush concert is going to be great so I don't know what that idiot was saying in the rants.
[Ed. – You paid to go? You couldn’t pay me enough. I’d rather go see Kid Rock.]
I have a problem with the bikes and scooters here, they are all over the road and don't pay insurance. Get them the hell off the road.
Celebrations are in order for Commando Fridays! Forget about casual Fridays, we aren’t wearing underwear!
[Ed. – That’s called Sunday Funday. Thanks though.]
What’s this about the orange box?
[Ed. – The cake is a lie.]
The asshole that thinks Rush sucks should know they have the best drummer in the world.
[Ed. – Patently false.]
Blue boxes: I think it’s wonderful. I would like to put my paper and bottles there, but suddenly it got really complicated. I don’t have a green box but I have to sort accordingly? It’s so difficult.
A recent study done says that 87 per cent of all studies are all wrong.
[Ed. – Rehash.]
Cats are better company than people.
[Ed. – People are better company than you.]
I was on the bus coming down from the mall and was horrified at this woman that had her child climbing up the railings, she was ignoring him and just continued to chat it up to her friend. It was terrifying because this bus is flying down the road as the child climbs around. It’s dangerous. To that mother, why don’t you pay attention and smarten up?
[Ed. – Maury1 Maury!]
To the cheap losers of Waterloo, when the pizza guy delivers something to your home, get off your ass and tip him.
Here’s to the 80 per cent of you who accepted the contract. Bottom line is it didn’t affect you so too bad. That doesn’t say a whole lot about your job when the guy next to you is making less. Think about it when the next round of termination come around. Think the union’s going to protect you? Good luck with that! Oh, it’s coming sooner then you think!
North America is not turning into a communist state, and even if it was, so fucking what? I’m sick of this 1950s Red Scare rhetoric I hear all the time from the Boomers. Pick up The Communist Manifesto or Das Kapital and learn about something before you judge it. Your fellow proletariat, John H.
I do not use Old Spice. It's expensive and doesn't smell good on me (the double whammy). However, I think those ads are hilarious when I can watch them at my leisure on a computer. Two things come to mind: 1. Not getting cable service when I finally had my own apartment was one of the best decisions I ever made.
2. I missed my calling. I should have been an ad-man. It would be so easy to defraud these megacorps of all their money with my bizarre half-hipster idle day dreams.
[Ed. – If it was that easy, I’d already be a millionaire.]
I'm rooting very hard for you to conquer your addiction on a daily basis. I've spent too much of my life living with and around people whose lives have been hampered, if not destroyed, by addiction-- that shit affects everyone who knows and loves the person. I'm moved that you got a handle on your demons and have changed your attitude to deal with them accordingly. A lot of people choose not to make a similar change, some don't make that choice until it's too late.
Amusingly, if you miss a credit card payment, you will always and forever be required to put down a credit card as collateral if you want to rent a car, because you have damaged your credit.
One time I was at a KFC in Cairo (waiting in line to get a soda so I could use their bathroom) and this man in front of me turned around and began unzipping his pants while staring at my chest. Already dressed like it was 30 degrees out when it actually it was more like 100. I screamed and ran out of there as fast as I could, then made the mistake of telling my Egyptian male friends. They marched into the KFC, eighteen years old and impossibly proud, and proceeded to storm the kitchen, screaming in Arabic.
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