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CULTURE POP
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by Ryan Farkas
March 4 - 10. 2010 |
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T9, Hotmail and the Year 2000
I'd been on the too–cool–for–you streets of old–school jukeboxes and hipster beer on Saturday night when a friend of a friend pulled out a newish phone and started texting. This particular phone was not an iPhone or a Blackberry (the only two brands that seem to matter anymore) and relied on a strange alien language called T9. Now, I've never personally experienced T9 to understand the nuances required to guide it, but from what it seems, you type in a word and it finishes it for you. Unless, you can't spell. Then 'masturbation' becomes 'madverabueno' and 'Farkas' becomes 'Darkjar'. So I ask, what the hell are we doing with such a flawed system? How can we properly text without a QWERTY keyboard and/or butchering the English language? Simply, we shouldn't. Do we still use rotary phones? Hell no! Touchtone and late–night adverts for useless crap killed those long ago.
Beyond this, I'd like to extend a proper ROFLcopter to those few abandoned souls still using Hotmail. What I'd like to do is to properly extend my hand into the new millennium by offering an invite to another e–mail provider. You may drop the 69 from the tail–end of your address. You may organize your contacts. You can forget about the sappy poetry you sent to an ex. Seriously though, Hotmail is like searching Altavista while using Netscape on a Compaq. You may now return to your Friends reruns...
Chile Forgot To Check Their Calendar
Back in 1993, No Fear was the shit. You couldn't get hotter than their super inspirational sayings, one of which I recall for the people of Chile: Second Place is First Loser. I'm sorry nation, but you showed up late. Your numbers of devastation aren't shocking enough. Your infrastructure was too strong and your country was too well prepared for such a tragedy. Yes, some of your cities have been reduced to rubble. With a quake hitting 8.8, 250-300x stronger than Haiti's, I'd certainly hope so. Yet your only outcry to the world is 'tsunami!', which turned out to be a bust? Sheesh. Learn to do a catastrophe properly, Chile.
(To be honest, I truly feel for these people. Clooney's not showing up for this one. The world isn't scrambling. I simply wanted to know what it felt like to have American eyes on a world stage. Watch CNN. You'll see. Rick Sanchez is a tool.)
Gisele Changes Her Name To Missy?
Bought for $1.2 Million
Now who would be dumb enough to compare a milk–giving bovine to a human supermodel? Prairie Farm and Ranch magazine, that's who. Gisele, meet Missy. Missy is the perfect cow. Perfect udders, perfect teats, perfect legs and a healthy heart. Missy's milk is so protein–rich, she'll make more cheese per volume. Also, she makes 50 per cent more milk than the average cow. Here's the future–thinking bit, and why $1.2 million is such a solid investment: Missy already has $3.23 million in pre–signed contracts. 25 pre–sold embryos. I'll be the first to say it: yuck.
Trending 2010
I've been told that when the CP office travels from city–to–city, a small child is given a gift. Sometimes, the gift is a hairbrush. Other times, it is a tuba. Most times, it is an indescribable feeling that a dance party is needed and within 30 seconds, the rug has been cut to bits. Why is this important? It is the modern outlook that gives us the future in our palms. Here are some choice thoughts from the brain of an exhausted supergenius:
We need stability. Brands will need to build confidence so that consumers will open their wallets wider. These folks are not only spending more time trying to find a deal, they are reading the fine print more than ever. The greater the transparency, the greater the interest in a sale. Then, the packaging must offer a reward. Colour, eco–friendly, cost, etc.
The world's climate is shifting. BRIC, Brazil, Russia (to an extent), India and China. Get used to hearing this. These folks are the future of everything you buy. Trickle up innovation. Especially in the over–65 set. They will become the most important market segment in the world.
Finally, location–based everything. With information flying at us about anything you could dream about, your most important relationships will be paired with mobile tech to make micro–targeting the most important innovation of all. Unless! Some cheery young buck comes along, takes this whole paragraph and simplifies it into a neat infographic so simple, your Grandmother can understand it. Simplicity trumps everything.
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